Over the past few years I’ve kept various journals and blogs documenting my gender transition. Changing genders is both incredibly terrifying and exciting, often both at the same time. There have been so many unique moments and opportunities that being transgendered provides. I have compiled some of my most memorable here. Enjoy!
On New Year’s Day
I am back in the icy north and much relieved to be so. I told my Dad and you know, he took it amazingly well! I was so proud of him. We had lunch at this yummy Mexican restaurant and then went back to his apartment. He started asking me about what my plans for the future were and I decided to go ahead and tell him everything. He was open-minded and calm about the whole thing. He even said I could come to his wedding in April as Ashley if I wanted, just as long as I let people know ahead of time so as not to freak out those of my relatives and people who don’t know.
I still didn’t tell my brother. He has too aggressive of a personality for me to feel comfortable telling him in person. Perhaps as I continue along this path I will get to a point where the need to tell him will out weigh my desire to inform him. We’ll see.
I have been very happy to be back in Milwaukee and with Maria! She is amazing. We had a great New Years! We visited my friend Tony who just moved much closer. We checked out his new place then we all went to see some friends’ band play a NYE show. We caught some really great indie/punk rock and then headed to more parties. I ended up seeing a lot of friends I don’t normally run into. Good times.
I am anxious for 2005 to get underway and for my transitioning to progress as well. I am going to make an appointment with my friend D who is giving me the hook-ups with laser treatment. Hopefully I can get my body waxed and even work on getting a new more feminine haircut. I plan to ask my doctor to up the dose of hormones from my current .625mg of Premarin and 50mg of Spironalactone. It will be great to finally start seeing some results.
It’s been a while since my last update. I’m here in TX visiting the folks and been doing the traditional holiday festivities. My plan was to come home and tell my brother and Dad about what’s been going on with me.
All in all this trip home has been rather depressing. My parents/family are all proud of me for graduating and finally getting my degree, but this Xmas has been sorta hollow because I have chickened out and not told my family what’s been going on.
I flew in a week ago, and I hate flying so I took some meds to calm me down. This didn’t really relieve my anxiety, but it helped me to be super passed out during the flight. Anyways, immediately after I landed and met my Mom at baggage claim she starts in on me about the “trans business”. I was exhausted from no sleep and sedatives. Needless to say it wasn’t the best conversation.
I slept off the narcotics in my brother’s old room which my female cousin, who has been staying with my Mom, has been using. She has redecorated it to look match the needs of a young woman so it’s been sorta like having my own pretend girl room for a week now!
Most of my time home has been spent finishing Christmas shopping, visiting relatives, and watching too much cable television. One night after going out I sat up and talked with my Mom and she asked me why I wanted to tell my brother and father. I told her I wanted them to know what has been going on with me, and that I don’t want to hide this about me anymore. She asked if I was certain that I wanted to go through with this all the way…to start living as a woman. I said I didn’t know, so she asked me why tell them if I wasn’t 100% sure I was going to go through with it. I thought about that a lot.
On one hand I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping secrets from my family. I want them to accept me for who I am, regardless of my gender. On the other hand I feel like my mother has a point, not to stir up the nest when I don’t necessarily need to. So thus far I haven’t. I mean everyone is so happy that I am home, and that I have graduated. I planned on telling them sometime after Xmas, but the day when my plane leaves back to Milwaukee is rapidly approaching.
What’s been killing me is not getting to be feminine. Not having any make-up to wear. Not getting to dress more girlish. My brother noticed that I shaved my arms and started questioning me about it. I made up some excuse (which amazingly he bought) since we were at my Grandmother’s with all our aunts, uncles, and cousins around.
All this time, everyone keeps asking what I’m going to do now. I don’t know how to tell them that I am going to try and become a woman!
I am having lunch with my Dad tomorrow alone. I will have to see if I am up to telling him or not. This all weighs so heavily on me. It’s pretty much all I’ve been able to think about while I’ve been home. I can’t wait to get back to my normal routines, friends, and environment. To be able to dress and act as I please. But what bothers me the most is my own uncertainty.
Why aren’t I more certain that this is what I want? When will I be sure, or will I EVER be sure? I keep waiting for these hormones to provide some definitive evidence either way. All I am left with is uncertainty. I feel fairly sure, but how can I say till I’ve done more. Lived it, experienced life as a woman?
Wow this post got long. Sorry for anyone who actually waded through all this. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I’ve been thinking of many of you this holiday. Time for sleep.
Today was very exciting indeed. Today was the last day of classes. I am for all practical purposes a college graduate! Just waiting for that diploma to arrive in the mail! So if anyone needs a transgirl to make a movie for them, I’m your lady!
Secondly I went to the doctor again this morning and she prescribed me some Spironalactone. Hopefully this will really start thing moving along. A college graduate and increased hormones all in one fabulous day. I’m just growing up so fast. Now if only I can get a phat wad of grad money to pay for my pills.
So I’ve been spending all my time working on my final film for film school. 6 hours a day editing with a few lack-off breaks here and there. Hopefully I will get this film finished in time to graduate from college. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
My friend Dee recently found out about my transness and has been freaking out, in a good way. I’m glad there are people enthusiastic for me to do this. The response of all my friends has been so overwhelmingly positive. I’m just anxious to start doing more with this. I keep waiting for these hormones to start working, so I can decided if I like the mental aspects of being a girl. If I do I figure I will go home and tell my brother and Dad and then come back to Milwaukee and start working toward becoming full-time. Dee works at a spa/salon and the owner is willing to help me with clearing my face, fixing my hair, doing my make-up…not to mention they also do massage! So I’m all super-psyched for all this, but I just want to make sure this is truly what I want. I mean I don’t really have anything stopping me at this point (aside from $/health insurance). Which is cool, but I can’t decide without feeling more of what hormones are like. I don’t want to start doing things that will be telling (ie shaping eyebrows, clearing my face, pierced ears etc.) until I know for certain.
So things have been super busy for me. I called my Mom the other night cuz I couldn’t stand holding in my secret any longer. We talked and she took it very well. She is concerned for me which is cool, but I wish she wouldn’t worry so much. I’ve come out to some more people lately. I told my friend/co-worker Amanda who was super awesome about it. I can’t wait to hang out with her more. I also told my friend Joe. He sat there in disbelief for a while not knowing what to say, but generally was nice about it. He told his wife, and she called me up yesterday saying she had talked it over with her boss at the salon she works at and they are going to try to work out a deal so that I can get laser hair removal for MEGA cheap!!!
I also went to my therapist again yesterday we had a long talk about stuff. She told me how I should deal with telling my family when I go home for Christmas. She mentioned a lot of interesting things. Like apparently 25% of all transpeople are left handed. She also told me I should start feeling the effects of the hormones after about 3-4 weeks. Just in time for Christmas.
My Mom called me up tonight and asked me how I was doing. I told her I was fine and that if she really wanted to check up on me she should read my journal. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. HMMM.
5 Days on Horse Pee
So far I haven’t felt much of a change, I guess my overall mood is better which is cool. I’ve been super busy with work/school/thanksgiving. After thanksgiving dinner at Maria’s parents we went our friend Amber’s to watch a movie. After the movie it was just Maria, Amber, Emily, Katie and me. The girls all talked about people they knew from high school. They all know about me, so I don’t think they acted like I was a guy. It was weird. It’s kinda hard to explain but as I was sitting there with them I did feel this overwhelming sense of femininess. Maybe it was all in my head. I wish I would feel it again. Again I’m so impatient. So I keep waiting for all those lovely effects other transwomen have mentioned. But hey, no rush!
So today I went to see my doctor about starting hormone therapy!!! I got there and realized how long it’s been since I’ve seen a “real” doctor. The more I thought about it, I realized that so much of my childhood memories are from waiting in doctor’s offices. My doctor was super nice! She asked me what I wanted to get out of hormone therapy and I told her to figure out if this is what I want, and she wrote the prescription for Premarin right then and there! I was so happy! The whole thing cost me WAY less than I thought too. After she checked me out I just had to go downstairs to a lab and do some blood work. I don’t think I’ve ever had any blood taken before. It wasn’t too bad. Everything was over and done with so fast, and there I was with my filled prescription of a months supply of estrogen.
Since this was right near the mall I figured why the hell not go, cuz I was feeling just a tad light-headed probably from the blood work. They didn’t take that much, but I’m a wuss, what can I say? I got a soda at the food court and took a pill. It’s hard to say if there is any effect. I’m not expecting much considering the low dosage I’m on. I did feel a little more relaxed. I ran into Emily, and her friend Katie met up with us. We went shopping for some stuff. All and all not a bad day. I just can’t wait to see what effects this will start to have on me.
Out and About
Yesterday was more dressing up! Yea! I got all dolled up in my favorite shirt and a cute black skirt and Maria, Emily, Mike, Sean, Matt, and I watched the “Burbs”. Aside from the skirt and shaved legs I actually tried to dress down a bit. Later, Maria, Emily, Mike and I went to a club called Out and About. So far this club has probably been my favorite of the gay clubs we’ve gone to. Maybe that’s cuz my friend/neighbor Tom was bartending. He is cute, and one of the few boys I’ve ever kissed! Out and about was okay, but everyone seemed really tired. No one was really talking. I tried bringing up topics but no one seemed really interested. I decided to finish my second Gin & Tonic and leave
I’m so grateful that I have friends that support me and are cool with this. I need to get them to treat me more like Ashley and less like Kyle. Like Maria and my therapist both said this is just a matter of time. I am going to try and out myself more. I have my doctor’s appointment in a few days. I’m scared that they’ll find some deadly disease or something what with all my stomach problems. If I do get cleared for hormones I’ll be ecstatic, but nervous cuz then I feel like I have to tell people before the effects become too noticable/unreversible.
I’m really nervous about Xmas. I can’t imagine how my Mom is going to take me telling her I have to go through with this. I fear the comments from aunts and uncles about my long hair, shaved body etc. I’m really worried about telling my brother Nick. I have no idea will take this at all! He has a tendency to get angry about things. I’m also afraid about telling my Dad cuz he is getting re-married. I have this irrational/rational fear that he won’t want me to come to the wedding and that I’ll be rejected by my family that I only see once a year!
That’s why I’m lucky I guess that I live on my own, have such great supportive friends, a terrific girlfriend! They are like a second family to me. Still it would be nice to have emotional support from my parents/brother
Maybe I always wanted to be a girl. I remember wanting to play with the other girls on the playground in grade school. Then when I was 13 or so I tried my mother’s lipstick. It grew from there. I spent years dressing up in secret in her clothes. Almost getting caught, hating myself, trying to quit and then doing it all over again
I finally told my girlfriend over a painful and desperate tear soaked conversation. She told me to quit because she thought it was causing me so much distress. I did quit for a while since I moved away for college. Every time I came back home I would still dress up. All this time I was in denial about it
One day my same girlfriend said we should try having me dress up as an addition to our sexual play. This opened the floogates to feelings I had been bottling up inside for years! I began learning more and more about transexualism. I went out a few times on Halloween. I told my parents. They did not take it well. I went to a therapist that I could not afford. I started to obcess about it. I got too carried away with it. My relationship my girlfriend suffered. Eventually for this and many other reasons we broke up.
I gradually told a few more friends, but most of the time I would dress up at home alone. I dated more women, but always was afraid of what would happen if they eventually found out. I met a new girl. Eventually I told her in an almost equally difficult, though much less tear soaked confession. She was supportive. I moved into a new apartment with 2 guy roommates. I finally worked up the nerve to tell them. They were shocked, but generally supportive. I started going out more. I bought more and more clothes and make up. I went to see the same therapist whom this time I could afford.
Through somewhat misguided therapy I decided that this was not just a sexual thing for me. Not just a fetish, but something I felt and needed to deal with. I went out more, and came out to more people. Now I am waiting to start hormones and really become the girl/woman I am meant to be.
Here’s Looking at You Kid
So much I want to write. So much has been going on. I spent all day dress up but stayed in the apartment. Several times I thought I should change before my roommates got home, but then realized that was silly since they already know. Still they acted a bit surprised when they came home to find me “en femme” watching Casablanca.
After my last meeting with my therapist I’ve decided to go ahead with all this. I feel so lame, like I’m more afraid of this than I should be. I ought to just trust my feelings more. Anyways, my therapist and I talked and we decided that I will go get the medical examination to clear me for hormones. So maybe by mid-December I can get my first dose of girl pills! I’ve wanted to talk to so many people about this. I mean this is sorta a big step. I need to have a plan in place for all the changes that are going to come along with it. I need to out myself to the rest of my friends. I think most of them will take it well.
I haven’t talked about it more mainly because most everyone I know has been so busy lately. No one has time to talk to me about my “girl problems”. I did talk to my roommates. One of them has told me he doesn’t really want me to go further with it because he fears losing my friendship if I become a girl. I’m flattered in a way, but I don’t think I would stop being friends with anyone just because of my transition. The other one told me that I am taking all this very well, that I seem to be okay with it…that I don’t “freak out”. I told him I stress about this all the time. I mentioned that I really didn’t feel very girly, or know how to act girly. I guess I’m afraid of making people uncomfortable. He told me that people aren’t going to treat me like a girl until I start acting more like one. Makes sense.
So hence today I decided I would get dressed up and try to be more girly. But honestly how do you define what’s girly and what isn’t? I mean I watched TV today, and a movie, and work on my website, and played my guitar. Nothing I wouldn’t normally do, only I did it with a skirt on, and pair of boobs. I did notice though that tonight that my roommates sort of ignored me until I went out and initiated conversation with them. Were they ignoring me cause I was dressed up and they were uncomfortable? Was it that they would ignore a girl more? Am I just reading too much into things? Probably so.
So I can’t decide what are good ways to be more feminine.
So I met with my therapist again today. I decided I am going to go for it and take the next step towards being a girl. Barring a medical examination I should be able to start taking hormones soon. I also got the # for an electrolisist. I went to the mall and bought myself some bath stuff to sorta celebrate. Lame I know, but hey! I’m worth it.
I made a total ass of myself over at Maria’s tonight. I don’t know why. I’m just moody, and feeling sort of anti-social right now. There’s too much going on. I feel ways I haven’t felt in a long long time, and I don’t like it. It scares me. I’m almost worried about myself. This isn’t/wasn’t meant to be morbid, because most of today was really good. I just can’t take somethings right now. Simple things. I’m sorry Maria!
Something Smells Like Candy
So yesterday pretty much rocked! Mike came over and we went out to eat. It was nice to hang out with him again. Then he dropped me off and Maria came by. We ran into Matt on the way to the mall. We were going to see if Fredericks of Hollywood had the costume I want for the Halloween party next week. We drove out to the mall, and looked around at the stores. Finally we found Fredericks and YEA! they had it! This year I’m going as a cigarette girl (from the future!) The costume consists of a sexy corset, mini skirt, new sexy shoes (that are way too tight) and a tray for cigs, though I think I’m going to sell something else.
Anyways, after we got back from the mall, cuddling & more with Maria, and then she and I went to see “Team America” with Mike. It was really funny. After that Maria and I came back to the apartment and I got dressed up. We just hung out and watched tv till Emily came over. We woke Sean up and played Scene It. Maria and I were totally kicking Sean and Emily’s asses!
The only thing I wish were different about last night was just the constant irritation of wanting to feel more feminine. I guess it would have helped if everyone would have called me Ashley. No one was purposely treating me like a boy and after a full bottle of wine I can’t say I was acting anything more than sleepy/drunk. I guess I’m just not sure what to do to be more feminine at this point.
So I had my second therapy appointment yesterday. It was kinda a let down. Since I don’t have health insurance these sessions are costing me $70 a pop. Yesterday was definitely not worth it. I waited 15-20 mins. in the waiting room before being called in. When I sat down, my therapist asked me what I wanted to talk about. I was sorta taken aback. I hadn’t come into this with a game plan. I thought I would be asked questions and be made to think about things. I tried explaining that as best I could. I told her that I wanted to figure out how strongly I felt about my transgendered feelings, because often times I go back and forth on this issue. She told me she wasn’t here to “put a label” on me and “tell me what to do”.
I don’t mind being forced to come to my own conclusions but this seems ridiculous to me. My therapist sat there and stared at me like I was supposed to know what to do next. I came to her to figure this whole thing out. I didn’t feel that I was getting what I was paying for! I am trying very hard to trust her judgment as she is supposed to be the expert here.
I told her that I wanted to know if this is all just a sexual thing with me or if it is something more. She said that I should test myself by not connecting sex with my girl feelings at all for 1 month. This means no dressing up and doing it, either with a partner or by myself. I’m game for this. I think it will help a lot. She said I needed to go out more. So any of you people that know who read this, here’s your cue: I NEED PEOPLE I CAN HANG OUT WITH DRESSED UP!!! Nothing fancy. We don’t have to go to clubs where the music is too loud, and the drinks overpriced. (I have yet to experience this free drinks benefit that some girls seem to have.) I just need to be able to be Ashley with my friends in a cool/safe/comfortable environment.
Secondly, the session was over WAY too soon! It had only been like 25 mins. and she sorta off-handedly started making her way toward the door. I wasn’t about to take that. I brought up the fact that she mentioned some psychological test the first time. She said she had forgotten about that, and told me I could take the test if I wanted. I didn’t have anything else to do, and that’s one of the reasons I had come in the first place, so I said sure.
The test was 256 True/False questions that was suppose to give my psychological make up and help determine my gender identity. It was a lot of vague questions like, “At times it upsets me that I feel neglected by my friends.” Well sure! Who doesn’t? But I don’t always feel neglected. Other questions seemed to be trying to hard to pin down people who were paranoid (ie – People are trying to steal from me.) It was exhausting work, but I managed to do it.
I go back in a month. Don’t know what to expect now. I have to see if this is all some fetish thing for me or something more. I feel like it’s something more than that. I spent most of my day today checking out the outfits that women wore to the store as I rang them up. What kinda hair they had, or the color of their nail polish. I wished I could look like them. Who the hell knows at this point? Certainly not me, and certainly not my therapist.
Tears in my Crab Rangoons
So upset about this whole “girl thing” right now. I’m sick of being surrounded by beautiful women whose bodies I wish I could have. Whose sway of their arms and step in their stride I wish I could emulate. I tried calling up my friend Sarah, cuz I needed someone to talk to about this. I needed someone to be there with me, because when I get overwhelmed like this I hate to be alone. I know there are millions like me, but often time (especially since I don’t currently know any other transsexuals) it feels like I’m utterly alone in my frustration. I can’t wait for my therapy appointment, now 2 weeks away!
Anyways Sarah and I went out for lunch. We got Chinese food cuz I had a craving for some crab rangoons. She told me I ought to try and do as many things that make me feel girly as possible. I feel like I’m doing that but it’s as if I’ve come to a plateau. I don’t know what else to do to feel girly. I do everything I can think of most of the time. Sometimes it’s just not enough.
As we left the resturant I asked where I might be able to find some rings or jewelry. Sarah said anywhere, which I said didn’t really narrow it down for me. She suggested a thrift store which we went to. I assumed (my first mistake) that we were going there with a general purpose of trying to find me some jewelry. I’m still not comfortable trying to buy girl stuff be it jewelry, clothes, make-up, or whatnot. Sarah browsed for herself the entire time, and I stood around like a dumbass wishing I had more gall to just go try on the cute tops. Finally I left frustrated, and waited outside for Sarah to finish her looking.
She drove me home, and I didn’t think it could get much worse. Here I was reaching out to her to try and comfort me, to help me feel better about this overwhelming situation, and she takes the opportunity to go shopping and I am left literally and emotionally empty handed.
As we pulled up to a stop in front of my apartment she said, “Kyle, it’ll be okay.” I know she was trying to be comforting. I know she was trying to be there for me. And I know what a daunting task it must be to deal with someone going through something like this, but right then she could have just called me Ashley and it would have helped make everything a little better! I don’t understand why I can’t get people to try and think of me as Ashley. I know it’s an odd thing to try and do, but it hurts, and I just want to cry. Maybe someday I’ll be able to.
Greetings and Such
So foolishly taking my friend’s advice I’ve decided to start a journal. I guess this can be a spot for me to vocalize my thoughts and feelings as I go through this whole transgender thing.
I went out dressed up again last night with Maria to a bar called Triangle. It was okay. This makes 5 times going out for me over the past 4 years. I wore the new top I got from my recent trip to Madison with Mike. I think I looked pretty good except for my hair which never seems to grow. I am so impatient with these things! I want all this girlishness right now!!! It’s probably better that I have to wait for everything, that this process is so slow. Like the fact that I have to wait 3 weeks till I can see Dr. Finke (my therapist). Let’s hope this time I’m ready to go a little further on the gender-train.